Aug 282012

This story was forwarded to me in an email and I laughed so hard I had to share it with all of you. I don’t know who’s story it is, but I think it accurately describes the feeling we’ve all had at one point in our lives. Enjoy a laugh with this mid-week “Pick Me Up” and remember to keep up the great work you do every day at the gym!

Week at the Gym: One Man’s Story

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a  regular workout routine.

For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)  purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for  me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college  football team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to  go ahead and give it a try.  I called the club and made my  reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified  herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for  athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my  enthusiasm to get started!  The club encouraged me to keep a diary  to chart my progress . .

Dear Diary:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m.  Tough to get out of bed, but found it  was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find  Belinda waiting for me.  She is something of a Greek goddess –  with blond hair, dancing eyes and dazzling white smile.  Woo  Hoo!!  Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.  She  took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.  She was  alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing  next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit.  I enjoyed watching the  skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my  workout today. Very inspiring!  Belinda was encouraging as I did  my sit-ups, all though my gut was already aching from holding it  in the whole time she was around.  This is going to be a FANTASTIC  week!!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the  door.  Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar  into the air when she put weights on it!  My legs were a little  wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  Belinda’s  rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.  I feel GREAT!! It’s a  whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush  on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I  believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long  as didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the  club parking lot.  Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that  my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too  perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this  nasally whine that is VERY annoying.  My chest hurt when I got on  the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.  Why the  hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity  rendered obsolete by elevators?  Belinda told me it would help me  get in shape and enjoy life.  She said some other shit too.

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as  her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn’t  help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my  shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.  When she was  not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room.  She sent Lars to  find me.  Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine —  which I sank.

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated  any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid,  skinny, anemic little cheerleader.  If there was a part of my body  I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.  Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don’t have any  triceps!  And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me  the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.  The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama  coach or the Choir director?

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,  shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing  her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.  However, I  lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up  catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can  go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that  next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a Gift for me that is  fun — like a root canal or a vasectomy.

 August 28, 2012  Posted by at 2:17 pm Fitness